Meh.

This week has been incredibly long.  I blew out a tire on Tuesday, which I don’t have time to do anything about until Monday.  My new computer crashed.  I don’t need it because I still have the old one which seems to be working perfectly well (despite my concerns that it was going to crash at any moment about a year ago, right before I got the new one).  My biggest concern with that is that I had a few documents on the new computer that were not saved anywhere else: one was the journal I’ve been keeping up for the past year (which was mostly me bitching about things I don’t want to think about anymore, so it might actually be better if that was gone) and the other was the Word version of the final version of my thesis.  I do have the Word version of what I submitted as my “final” manuscript in packet 4 and I have the PDF of the actual final version that I submitted for digital archive with Goddard, so I do have my most recent changes, it’s just a matter of combing through that for the handful of typos and stuff that I fixed and applying them to the older Word version.  I don’t want to do that.  I don’t really have a need to do that.  All I really need my thesis for now is deciding what to read for my graduate reading at Goddard in a few weeks, which I can do from the old version or the PDF.  On top of these major issues with my technology, I’ve also been working about double what I usually do and trying to prep for Christmas.  It has kept me very busy and in a rather non-creative mood.  With my brain not in the mood to write–and with a mountain of books still to read to meet my Goodreads goal for the year–I’ve been focusing on reading as much as I possibly can.

I have finished six books already this month, among them are three audiobooks, two manga, and a novel I’ve been very slowly working my way through for the past year or so when I’ve had free time to read for fun.  I still need to finish 11 books to meet my goal of 30.  When I first started doing the yearly reading challenge, it was my plan to start with something somewhat manageable and then increase my reading goal each year.  I’ve been stuck at 30 for the past few years and only just managed to reach it at the very last moment, so I haven’t increased it.  Reviewing my past challenges, I see now that I’ve been doing it every year since 2011 and it has been set at 30 every year.  I didn’t meet my goal the first two years, but I did 2013-2015 and I am determined to make it again this year.  Having to read for school has been both a help and a hindrance to meeting these goals.  It does require me to read a certain number of books each semester, but I’ve also gotten stuck reading a number of books I didn’t like, so I didn’t quite push myself to the end, so I would spend a good chunk of time working my way through 300 pages of something, then give up because I had a deadline to meet and once the paper was in, then I just put it book on my “currently reading” shelf and moved on to the next thing I had to read.  Those reading assignments plus all the piles of homework and the crap with changing jobs and everything else hasn’t left much time for reading for fun (and it’s left me burnt out, so when I do have free time, I spend it on Netflix or Facebook instead of reading like I probably should be).  So, now I am fighting my way through the remaining 11 books.  One of my biggest struggles with that was that I was already in the middle of two audiobooks (maybe three?) on my other computer and now that I can’t make it work, I can’t go back to my bookmarks and the biggest reason I wanted the new computer is that the audiojack on this one doesn’t quite work, so listening is hard to do.  But I’m making it work.  I found a collection of Richard Matheson short stories (previously known as Button, Button: Uncanny Stories, but now changed to The Box because of the movie by the same name which was based on the short story “Button, Button”) that I had been in the middle of, so I’m working on that, plus some more manga and a couple of new audiobooks.  I am very determined.  I have to read about one book every 1.36 days to meet my goal.  That’s not hard.  Not at all.  If you don’t hear from me this time next week, it’s because I’m reading.

J

 

Write or Die!

In honor of Day Three of NaNoWriMo, I wanted to introduce you to my 1# favorite tool for getting words down.  The free app is about halfway down the page and I use it all the time.  It gives you the option of writing to a specific word count and/or time and the level of strictness and punishment for not writing.  It’s a great way to just knock out a chunk of writing so that you get your ideas (or just words if you have no ideas) on paper and then you have something to work with later.  It’s great for NaNoWriMo and some years, most of my writing was done with the online app while other years I just used it for a little nudge.  I hope you find it as useful as I have.  Enjoy!

Write or Die by Dr Wicked | Putting the ‘Prod’ in Productivity.

J

The Impossible Dream

I recently picked up a few books on writing that I thought might be helpful.  The one I’m reading at the moment is Writing Fantasy Heros: Powerful Advice from the Pros by various fantasy writers (including Brandon Sanderson and Orson Scott Card).  I’ve been very frustrated with my work this packet and wondering if it’s even worth continuing with my thesis because how can it ever live up to my hopes and dreams?  How can I create something good enough to finish this program, let alone publish?  But I came across this bit in the section by Ian C. Esslemont:

We who follow the path of writing must keep in mind that it is an on-going journey of discovery and refinement.  One never ‘arrives.’  We are all apprentices striving to improve our craft.  The lessons here are ones I must constantly keep in mind as well.  By way of encouragement I suggest you trust in our active fantasy readers who are among the best out there in their willingness to give you a chance.  They want you to succeed because they want that dream—just as much as you hope to achieve it.

So hey, maybe there is a chance.  Writing is seriously hard work.  It makes us doubt ourselves every single day.  To make it as a writer, other people have to actually like what we do and want to read (and buy) our work, which just puts that much more pressure on us to be amazing.  But you know what?  Somebody out there does want to read my story.  I can do this.  And so can you!

J

The Road to Hell

 

As my plans tend to, this one got away from me.  I blame wordpress, because I had it set to notify me if I didn’t post every week and I haven’t gotten a notification in months.  With my busy schedule, I can’t be expected to remember AND actually go write a post…  Excuses, excuses, I know.  But here I am, just popping in with a quick update before I get back to watching Friends…I mean writing.

So, since the last post, I really don’t know, since I can’t be bothered to read my own blog.  I sent in packet 1 with 4 annotations and a fair amount of creative work.  I got that packet and response back and was fairly disappointed.  My advisor had less insight than usual and I’ve been so busy I didn’t really write any new creative work; I was planning to just edit the stuff from the first packet and send it in again, but he had very little to suggest in the way of corrections.  So, I spent a few days lost and frustrated—and complaining to all my writer friends—before I decided to just deal with it and do the work without the guidance I was hoping for.  I stuck with the same advisor as last semester because we worked well together and I could see I still had a lot to learn from him, so I think I need to be more clear about what sort of input I need during this semester because I gather that my advisor leaves things up to me because he seems to think that I’m rather insightful and have everything under control (soooo not the case…).

On top of that setback, Life Happened and I was required for some unexpected work and family responsibilities, so I ended up with really about 2-3 days total to spend on packet 2.  I usually spend a good portion of a week or two really focusing on the packet, so I basically just had a meltdown and questioned whether or not I was really cut out for this program.  Then I explained the situation and my ever-understanding advisor gave me an extra week to get this packet in.  So, I can breath a little, but I hate falling behind on the schedule and it’s odd while all my Goddard friends are chatting about sending in their packets when I have different deadlines than them.  In any case, I now have an extra week to get out this packet and my boss gave me a few days off to make up for all the overtime I did before, so I have a reasonable amount of free time to focus on it and can breathe again.

With that burden temporarily lifted, I got really excited about my thesis again and spent last evening/night discussing timelines and species etc with my writing partner, Amanda.  I also got a few inspirations on my nature walk yesterday afternoon (when the block hits, go for a walk in the woods.  Bring a notebook.).  I feel more capable and even if I don’t get a lot written, at least I have a lot brewing and I’m dealing with a lot of the planning and technical stuff that needs to be done.  I’m not super worried about writing a lot of my thesis this semester.  I know what I’m doing now (look at me, all sounding like I know what I’m doing) and I’ll pump out a zero draft in November.  After that, I can fill in the gaps and get down to editing.

So, I breathe again.  Sortof.

Now the issue is the critical work.  I’m still completely lost on the Long Critical Paper (LCP), but at least I have it scheduled out into 3 packets to get it done, so I should be okay about it, but I’m still freaking out at the moment.

Also, Annotations.  I really hit my stride last semester and figured out what I was doing.  I always got positive responses on the work I submitted and all was well.  This semester seemed off to a good start too, especially now that I’ve done 5 of the 12-15 required for the semester.  BUT, now I feel all annotated out.  I got so deep into seeing the world of stories in an up close and critical way, that it started to take the fun out of reading and then I burned out.  I’ve got two books to annotate in this packet and I haven’t a clue what to write about.  Not a clue.  And my brain just doesn’t want to be creative about it.  And I’m too tired (all the time, seriously, when am I not tired?) to get in there and do it, so I don’t even want to think about it.  And now that I’ve got an extra week to do the work, I have to actually turn in something decent.  It’s good to have the extra time, but at the same time, now there’s actual pressure to do a good job, whereas when I didn’t have time to do a good job, I stopped caring about the quality of it all and was ready to just BS my way through 25-30 pages and call it done.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at in this lovely Packet 2.  And we’ll see where it goes from there…

J

 

Long Time, No See

I realize it’s been a rather long time since I posted and I need to do something about that.  After last semester ended, I didn’t have much Writing stuff to write about because I wasn’t doing it regularly and, obviously, didn’t have school stuff to write about.  I intended to get back into the routine once school started up again, but that didn’t really happen.  I’ll try to do better now that school is in full swing.  (Btw, I’ll be more motivated to keep it up if I know I’ve got readers, feel free to say hi!)

So, quick updates: I believe I posted about Residency.  Again, it was AWESOME and reminded me why I’m doing this.  Now that I’m actually doing this and not partying with all my writer friends, it’s a little harder to remember and the motivation is slipping.  Always looking for motivating suggestions!

My first packet of the semester was due last Monday.  I finished it up on Friday (after a rather violent battle with my printer and quite a few tears.  Note: I intend to buy a new one before the next packet is due.) and got it to the post office 30 minutes before they closed.  I assume it is now in my advisor’s hands and that at some point, it will make its way back to me.  Hopefully with some positive feedback.  As far as that packet, I am proud to say that I turned in 4 annotations (the most I’ve ever done in one packet!  Also, that puts me at 5 so far for the semester which is 1/3 of the max I could do, and that’s in my first of five packets, woohoo!), the usual process letter (5 pages), and 18 pages of creative work (6 of Sarah, the rest of William).

Now, I’m bogged down with 4 days in a row of 11+ hour shifts, so it’s all I can do to stay alert enough to take care of the baby.  I’m listening to and reading 3 books at the moment, because at least I can listen while I entertain the baby and then he’s being educated too, and then, hopefully, by next week, I’ll have a few books I can write annotations on.

I still have creative work to worry about.  I haven’t written much new since Residency and now that I’ve decided on my thesis, there’s all this pressure about what I write and that it has to be good and worthy and all, so I’m feeling paralyzed and blocked about the work and basically just terrified to even try, so I’ve been focusing on the other requirements (mostly the reading because it’s so time consuming).  I really need to get back into the habit of writing regularly because even if everything that comes out is crap, at least I’ll have something to work with and if I know it’s going to be crap and I’m going to write it anyway then I won’t worry about it and maybe something good will come of it.  In the words of Sarah: ugh.

And, last but not least, this semester I have to write my 20-page Long Critical.  I have never in my life written such a long essay so the very thought of it overwhelms me.  I’ve had a general topic since the beginning of last semester.  I discussed it with my advisor as an option for one of the two Short Criticals (5+ pages each) and we both agreed that it was a more suitable topic for the Long Critical.  So I’ve had that sitting around gathering dust for six months or so, but now I need to refine it.  I have a few ideas on how to narrow it down, but nothing solid yet and I don’t even know where to begin my research.  I need like two secondary sources but it is NOT a “research paper” as the teachers at Goddard have made very clear, so, I really don’t know what it is.  I guess it’s a Long short critical and a short critical is just a long annotation.  So, it’s one of those 3-page papers I’m writing all the time now, only stretched into 20 pages.  God help me.

And so, with that, back to work and thinking about writing.  I will try to be more diligent about the blog.  And about writing my thesis.  And breathing.

So long for now…

J

 

New Beginnings

“All writing problems are psychological problems. Blocks usually stem from the fear of being judged. If you imagine the world listening, you’ll never write a line. That’s why privacy is so important. You should write first drafts as if they will never be shown to anyone.”

—Erica Jong

* * *

“The scariest moment is always just before you start.”

—Stephen King

Because I haven’t posted a quote in a while, here are two.  These are in honor of starting the new semester and really starting my thesis.

J

I Sit at the Piano

I was recently wandering through old folders in search of some lost document and came across a song I wrote almost two years ago.  I don’t write poems; I don’t write songs.  I suck at it and they frustrate me to no end.  But every once in a while, I give it a shot anyway, and of course, it’s always fun to write about writer’s block.  In any case, I wrote this one.  Based on the date I created the document, it must’ve been the summer my sister and I started a band called One Day.  I haven’t even dared to read it since I stumbled across it because I’m sure it will make me cringe, but you’re welcome to read it yourself.  It has no title and no tune; it is what it is.

(Sorry about the formatting, I don’t know how to get rid of the extra spacing between paragraphs in this program.)

 

I sit at the piano

Pen in hand

Waiting for thoughts

For words to come

 

The notes won’t come

The lines get stuck

I don’t know how to write this song

 

Give me words and melody

Help me say what i need to say

Give me release, let me be free

I want to write this song today

 

So many words

Just waiting to be said

Wanting to be heard

Wanting to be read

 

Bring me the notes

Let me be the one to say

Tell me your story

Show me the way

 

Give me words and  melody

Help me say what i need to say

Give me release, let me be free

I want to write this song today

 

I want inspiration

I want to be heard

Let me tell you my story

Then you can go or stay

 

But the notes won’t come

The lines get stuck

I don’t know how to write this song

 

Give me words and  melody

Help me say what i need to say

Give me release, let me be free

I want to write this song today

June 26, 2012

 

J

 

Bad Writing Precedes Good Writing

“Bad writing precedes good writing. This is an infallible rule, so don’t waste time trying to avoid bad writing. (That just slows down the process.) Anything committed to paper can be changed. The idea is to start, and then go from there.”
Janet Hulstrand

This is something I needed to hear today.

J

Excuses, Excuses

I haven’t written much lately; I’ve been very blocked and it’s my own fault.  At least that’s what it comes down to.  I don’t know what to write.  I’m at the point in both of my stories that I don’t know enough about the story to write it, but I’ve come up with enough that I can’t just write anything and start from scratch because they are already stories and I need to stay, at least somewhat, true to the story that is and wants to be.  At the same time, I’ve got all the advice and suggestions from my advisor this past semester rolling around in my head and I don’t know how to apply it to my writing and every time I start in one direction, I remember something he said that makes my thought not work and so I give it up.  My absolute surety that I’m a crappy writer and just can’t possibly measure up to my idols is keeping me blocked and keeping me from even trying.  So, I’m very blocked and the most likely reason is that I’m thinking too much and writing too little and everything else is just excuses.

But I still have my excuses and I don’t even want to write.  I’m questioning more and more that I can even be a decent writer and my decision to pursue that, even if I haven’t got any other directions worth going.  I don’t want to write, but I need to write as much as I can before the next semester starts in 3 weeks because shortly after that, I’m going to have to make a decision and I don’t know either of my stories well enough to choose one to work on for the rest of my degree.

But I don’t want to write.  And the stories don’t want to be written.

J

Silver Linings

Yesterday I got my last response letter from my advisor this semester.  He briefly told me that my critical work was good and that he was pleased with what I was learning and that I was in good shape for next semester, then spent 3 pages (of about 4) telling me what’s wrong with my creative work.  I know I’m here to learn and the more I know what’s wrong with my work the more I can improve and I want to be a great writer and I know I have a long way to go, but it’s still a lot to take in.  He made lots of suggestions and tried to explain how to look at things to improve my issues, but my brain can’t absorb it all and rather than taking the criticism as a point for improvement, I just come out feeling like the crappiest writer in the world.  My head hurts trying to wrap my brain around how to apply it all.

The semester is over.  My final packet will arrive in the mail soon with the rest of the comments from my advisor, but I don’t have anymore deadlines or any required work, reading or writing, until the new semester starts at the end of June.  I’ve narrowed down my thesis to two options and both draw me for different reasons.  My advisor says I can go into the next semester with both stories, but I’ll need to pick one very quickly.  I tentatively plan to spend my “summer vacation” working on the two to see where they go, but both are very blocked and knowing all my work is crap doesn’t exactly put me in the mood to write more of it.

As frustrating and mentally and emotionally draining as the whole process is, I just can’t think of anything more worth doing.  It’s taken me a very long time to come into this, to both realize and decide that I wanted to be a writer, and every time I hit a point like this, a point when I just don’t know how to go on, I look for other options, other things I want to do with my life, and this is it.  There just isn’t anything else I’d rather be doing.  Every path is hard; every choice brings suffering of some sort.  There isn’t anything else worth suffering through.  This is what I want to do with my life; this is what matters to me.  It’s hard, so very hard, on every level imaginable, but I have to put my effort into something and this is what I choose.  The decision is made.  I’m here, and this is what I want.  There’s nothing left to do but just keep writing.

J